How To Handle A Woman During Those Days Of The Month. This Man Is A Genius.
Read on to find out how to keep yourself safe.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other:
1. DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate
2. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate
3. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate
4. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate
5. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
See also: Husband Arrives Home Drunk Out Of His Mind. What He Wakes Up To Shock Him.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time… PRICELESS!!!
See also: After 21 Years Of Marriage, My Wife Wanted Me To Go Out With Another Woman
One day my wife wanted me to go out with another woman. After 21 years of marriage she said to me: “There is a woman who would love to spend time with you. She would be thrilled if you took her to dinner and to the movies!”
“After 21 years of marriage, my wife came up to me and told me that she had something important that she wanted to tell me.
She wanted me to go out with another woman. She wanted me to take this other woman out to the movies and a dinner. She said, “I love you, but I know that this other woman also loves you a lot and I want her to spend some time with you.”
This other woman is my mother. She has been living by herself for the last 19 years since my dad passed away. And because of my work and my three kids I only manage to visit her occasionally.
So that very evening I did what my wife asked me to. I invited my mom to a movie and dinner.
“What happened?” my mom asked me. “Are you sure that everything is okay?”
“I thought it would be a great idea if we spent some time together.” I responded. “Just you and me.”
My mom took a deep breath, I could hear it from across the telephone, then she finally said, “I would really like that.”
So come Friday evening, after work, I was waiting for her. I was a little nervous because it had been a while … She had her hair tied around in a neat bun and was wearing the same outfit that she wore for her last marriage anniversary. She was smiling radiantly and I could see that the years had a left a mark on her gentle face.
“I told my friends that I am going out with son tonite and they were very impressed,” she told me in the car. “I told them I would meet them another evening!”
So we went to a nice restaurant, not very fancy, but something cozy and intimate. My mom took my arm as if she were the First Lady. We sat down and I read the menu to her because her eyesight is quite weak now. When I finished reading the menu I looked and saw her gazing at me intensely with a nostalgic feeling in her eyes.
“When you were a child, I used to read the menu to you,” she said, “Well it’s time for you to rest and let me do the reading for you,” I said.
We had dinner and we had an amazing conversation. We had so many things to share about our lives, the past, and the present. We kept talking for hours and forgot all about the movie. Finally, it was time to part ways and with a heavy heart I said goodbye to my mom. We promised each other that we would go out again and my mom insisted that she would invite me the next time.
Back home, my wife wanted to know how the evening went. “It was more beautiful than I ever imagined,” I said.
My mom and I didn’t get around to that promised evening. A few days after the dinner we found out that my mom had developed a heart condition and her health deteriorated rapidly.
A few months later, I went back to that restaurant where I last had dinner with my mom. A letter from my mom awaited me there. It read: “I paid for a dinner in advance – for you and your wife. I wasn’t sure if we would ever have the chance to spend another evening together. But you can’t imagine how happy you made me that evening. I love you, my son.”
It was that day that I understood the true meaning of “I love you”, and the importance of spending time with one’s family and loved ones. There is nothing else more important than love.”
Share this touching story with all your friends and remind yourself and others to treat our moms to something special before its too late!
Stupid Wife And The Cheating Husband
Dear ladies, please think before you act. I know that catching your cheating husband in the act may cause you to respond irrationally, but there is always that moment to catch yourself. He does deserve a bashing, without a doubt. Enjoy this story and share with all of your friends.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two legs. She immediately goes and gets the baseball bat and starts pounding the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she is done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband sitting as the kitchen table reading a magazine. He says: “Hi darling, your parents came to visit and after the very long drive they were very tired. I offered them our bedroom. Make sure you go upstairs and say hello.”
#3 Danger Siren?
Now for a second, try and fit yourself in the boots of this woman. Imagine you are coming back to your house after a long day of work only to see a horrible sight like this. I am sure you haven’t ever come across a situation like this but what if you do? What is gonna be your first reaction?
Hard to imagine, right? I am sure that majority of you would beat the crap out of your husband. Is this woman gonna do the same thing?
#2 Almost There
Just as we discussed above. the woman bashed the legs that she saw in her bed. Relieved much? Well, don’t you think that this lady should’ve been a little patient? What if it does not turn out to be what it looks to be in the first go? Possible right?
Well, you’ll only know the reality if you read further!
#1 The Reality
So here it is. This why it is important to be patient. Can you imagine how terrible this woman must’ve felt when she realized the reality? Terrible, right? Therefore they say that it is important to be a patient human being. Now the point is, how patient are you in your life?
Well, in case you aren’t, it is time you learn and be patient in future!
Woman Having Affair While Husband Is At Work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.”
“I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Husband Admits To Sleeping With Wife’s SISTER. But Her Response Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Read
Break up’s are always nasty, and divorce is even worse! I mean they can get nasty, just as this one did, when this Ex Husband left his wife for HER SISTER! He wrote the most awful letter – which made me so mad, I felt SO sorry for his wife…until I read her response. You must read these letters! And you must read them to the very end!
I’m writing this letter to you to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell…Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.”
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!”
But, he was completely unaware of the fact that she had a surprise for him. The letter she wrote sums it up:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work.
I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1rst thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone…Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.”
It seems like this woman got the best revenge on her cheating spouse, doesn’t it?
Wife Writes A Seriously Angry Letter To The ‘Other’ Woman
This wife found evidence from the “other woman” her husband was cheating with and she writes her a vicious online letter. You might think it’s crazy, but she probably knows that her intended reader will find it for sure.
What do you think? Is she justified in her response or should she take the high road and just move on?
For leaving bite marks all over my husbands chest last night.
No, really, Thank You! You have no idea what a nightmare you have just saved me and my kids from.
To reward you for your services I am offering you my husband for keeps. Should you accept your prize please note the following rules.
1. You are going to have to financially support him. I say this because we have 2 children together (but you knew that) which means that he will have to give up a sizeable chunk of his pay to support them in the manner they deserve. Please keep in mind that since he has kept me a stay at home Mom for the better part of the last 11 years he will also be paying me alimony. So forget about his money honey cause it’s mine!
2. You will have to provide him with new attire. You see after he stepped from our (now mine) shower this morning dripping wet and naked is when I discovered your little “love bites”. It just so happened that at that EXACT moment a giant black hole appeared in my home and devoured almost all of his clothing. Therefore he will come to you almost naked (lucky you). The bright side is that you can dress him any way you want. Go nuts and buy him a leash and some vinyl attire or a cute little dress while your at it.
3. You will have to give him up every other weekend. This time will be set aside for his visits with his children. Since he openly admitted (in front of several people) that you are just “some dumb drunk b***h” that he met at a “tweakers” house you will be banned from these visits for fear of my children’s safety. Just so you know, that is also going to be the reason to have his visits limited (if not supervised). After all WTF was HE doing at a “tweakers” house in the first place?
4. You will not be having a proper s3x life. Yes, I know that you didn’t scr3w him last night. Since his back injury 4 years ago his “equipment” hasn’t worked right. Too bad for you because before that it was THE BEST S3X EVER and we scr3wed all the time! However, now he’ll most likely disappoint you with his half hard member that only works with a little blue pill. Please don’t let that fool you. The little blue pill means that he comes within 2 minutes….hardly enough time for you and 98% of the time he will just be too embarrassed to even try. Stock up on your batteries and/or multiple s3x partners! By the way, No it CANNOT be fixed. It’s nerve damage sweetie, deal with it!
5. You will NOT return him to me. I will NOT have him. He messed up when he touched you! I was a good wife to him and he had a good thing going on here. Don’t be surprised if you don’t live up to me because you won’t and he will make you miserable for it!
6. He will blame you for ALL of this. He told me, with tears in his eyes, that you giggled to him “I hope your wife sees that”. I don’t know if you said it or not. I don’t really care. However, just in case you did, your wish came true. I did see it, and he’s pissed. He’s so mad that you made that comment that when I punched him in the eye after he apologized to me! Yes, I know violence is wrong and to be honest I’ve never hit anyone before. However, I am not sorry that I did and if I could have that moment back I would have simply aimed lower!
7. This one isn’t really a rule, more like a friendly warning. I will make sure to take up as much of his time with the most petty crap I can find to spite you. I will make it my hobby to hurt him and you the same amount my kids are hurting right now. Please be aware that he will take it, he will deal with it for years with a smile. I was with him for 12 years, I know him better. Yes, I do feel completely justified in my actions. Just in case you were wondering.
So Thank you, Jennifer the dumb drunk b***h from the tweakers house who left bite marks on my husband chest last night, for showing me that 11 years and 2 children were no match for you! I applaud you on a man well won. HE’S ALL YOURS!